You can now find us over at http://blogs.ubc.ca/amsconfidential

Adjust your RSS feeds, bookmarks, and glittery unicorn paraphenalia accordingly.

We’re still tweeting as @amsconfidential.

Lots of love,

Confidential Hotties.

Big Insider Daddy himself, Neal Yonson, decided to deem this an Issue That Only Sorta Matters and contribute to Sparkles R Us.

Mmmmmmbzzzrrrrr…..

Even though the HST is actually 3% lower than the current tax on alcohol, prices are still going up ~7.5% at the Pit, Pendulum and Gallery. The cheapest regular-priced pitcher will run you $14.50. Thank god for Tuesdays at the Gallery…oh, Gallery, we miss you. Amazingly, this means the cheapest pitcher on campus will still be at Mahoney’s—you know, the bar not run by students. Why is Hatchet Lager so cheap? Can we buy super cheap kegs of it for parties? Why won’t Molson return any of Neal’s dozen emails on the subject?

Blue Chip Cookies

The price of coffee is going up about 10% on brewed coffee and 4% on barista drinks. If you don’t already bring your own mug, this is the perfect time to start. You’ll save 25 cents every single time, and they have a buy-10-get-1-free stamp card. Suggestion to the AMS: print the cards on pink next year, and make the stamp design a unicorn. The increased business will take care of the structural deficit in no time.

Blue Chip is the black sheep of AMS businesses because the listed prices don’t include tax. This results in things costing weird amounts that don’t necessarily end in 5 or 0. Which means pennies. And anyone who has ever handled cash will agree: pennies are the DEVIL.

Honour Roll

Having watched people move through the Honour Roll line, no one actually looks at any of the prices. Reporting that prices are going up 3.5% seems pointless. Telling you that Ben Cappellacci broke it down with VP Students himself, @bowtiebrian, seems much more important.

no photoshop required.

Pi R Squared, or The Pizza Place That’s Still Open When I’m Drunk

Apparently people got really up in arms when the price of a slice of pizza went up from $2.50 to $2.75. Now it’s time to get militant.

GG’s rant: So, you want me to pay $3 a slice now? Is that how we’re going to play this game? This is complete bullshit, and imma lay it all out for ya, yo.

5 years ago, I used to eat Pie R every freaking day. I couldn’t get enough of the stuff. A little while after that, I worked there, and saw the conditions the pizza was made in, and the cleanliness and working habits of the staff, and I still ate there. But the past year or two, you’ve disappointed me. Your bacon baked potato pizza? Still quite yummy, but not as good as years past. Why not? It’s all in the crust.

In the days of yonder, Pie R crust used to be hand rolled, with a nice spiral edge. Sometimes, it would come out as a giant monstrosity that would consume half the slice. Other times, it would be a crunchy delight. Now it’s just a machine that creates a unified, boring crust. If I wanted boring shit like that, I’d head next door to Pizza Pizza. From Pie R, I want pizza with character. You put ridiculous toppings on your pizza, and the crust should match.

$3 a slice?  Maybe. Just step up your game, and I might switch back to eating your pies regularly. For now, it’s the Pendulum for me, because Kai heats up a friggin’ ahma~azzzing italian sausage lasagna. [Ed. note: I also assemble a mean sandwich.]

not only is this a fucking gif of a pendulum, its has a picture of FOUCAULT.

Pendulum is the best place to eat on campus. Period. Yes, we’re fucking biased—Kai works there [Ed. note: which does not necessarily mean I have positive reviews], Taylor eats there 5x a week, and Gossip Guy gets drunk there. However, despite their kickass tuna sandwiches, they only made something along the lines of ~$2000 profit last year. For the ENTIRE YEAR. Since the AMS is made up of blood-thirsty, greedy, proletariat-crushing capitalists (though the Pendulum itself is actually composed mostly of hippies—real hippies, not student activists), prices are going up, on average, 8%. Profits must be had! That quesadilla is too affordable!

On a more realistic note, a half-and-half combo from the deli case or a T-Bird Breakfast Awesomeness, which most of you cheap bastards were getting anyway, has only increased in price by 50 cents. Cheapest items on the menu = still affordable. CASE CLOSED.

Other AMS Food Outlets

Bernoulli’s Bagels – 4% increase. BRING BACK THE APPLE CINNAMON CREAM CHEESE! And while you’re at it, could we get a vegan spread that doesn’t taste like warmed-over ass?

Burger Bar – 4.5% increase. AMS employees should stop bitching at Nancy (the Food & Beverages Mgr) about the lack of “healthier” choices when they spend all their meal vouchers at the Burger Bar. We have no idea how Elin Tayyar is so slim while eating there every day. (Bath of virgin blood?)

Outdoor BBQ – 5% increase. Just continuing the trend of charging more than the Burger Bar for the same burgers. But smokier, and they don’t give you weird looks when you ask for, let us say, double bacon, double cheese, double patty…

The Moon – 4% increase. Has anyone ever successfully eaten a complete Combo C in one sitting? [Ed. note: I didn't even know this existed.] On a more relevant note, if the Moon doesn’t use MSG, why are there bags of it available in AMS Stores?!?

To combat the Hella Sexy Tax, you’ll be getting a HST rebate cheque, like your GST rebate cheques. However, the AMS is also issuing coupons for all the AMS food outlets in this year’s edition of the AMS Insider. So when they inevitably have boxes and boxes of them leftover, you can harvest them for extra coupons. Scavenging!

We’re taking our gossip rag and running with it, as this has yet to be confirmed by any of the AMS Exec. But we have eyes, and suck at math.

Update: Elin Tayyar says “block party is not dead” via Facebook chat. Stay tuned to the wonderful wizardings of student politics…

Update 2: We seem to be pissing a lot of people off (see comments). Good. President Bijan sent out an email stating that “AMS still plans to support an end-of-year event that is robust and appealing to students” under a new financial model. We get that- they LOST around $100,000 last year which sucks balls.

So, there will still be some form of end-of-year bash. However, the way its funded (previously AMS, now constituencies will be bidding), the organization behind it (not AMS Events, more involvement from constituencies), and its name (maybe) are changing.

All in all, we stand by our reporting of this rumour – which, depending on who you talk to, is very true. We’re looking forward to council on Wednesday, and will continue to report the scandal. We are, after all, AMS Confidential- exposing the down & dirty of AMS Politics.

In looking over the proposed AMS Budget 2010-11, there is a shocking $0 allotted for Block Party, as opposed to the $38,000 they spent to bring us (along with the AUS) Barenaked Ladies, Hey Ocean, and All Access passes with free bzzr.Oh wait, you’re not all hacks. So the rest of you got to party your face off in the rain and drink bzzr.

Some of our secret, yet sexy, sources say that certain execs plan on doing this to pass some fucking referendum. You know, the referendum that will link student fees to the CPPIIPCIPCICIwhatever (aka inflation). Vote Yes, Get Block Party.

For now, we caution the AMS with this:

Don’t toy with an apathetic student’s heart…they don’t love Block Party enough to actually vote when you’re asking for more money (even though it makes sense) and taking away a party. Aren’t you supposed to be Fighting the War on Fun?

Nestled deeply within the AMS Executive Committee meeting minutes of April 28 lies this gem:

Executive Wardrobes
• Bijan: Executives often have to attend external meetings and it’s important for them to look good. Perhaps there can be money set aside from the Lobbying Fund for buying clothes for the Executive.
• General feeling was that this was not necessary; people can buy their own clothes.

It’s actually at the top of page 3 of 4, so it’s not really nestled. The rumor of this has been floating around for ages, but GG had to wait until the official minutes came out, because he only reports on official news (then waits almost a week to actually post something).

C’mon Bijan… you got your fancy pink $5000 office, which didn’t even include the cost of paint, and now you’re asking for  a clothing budget? That just won’t fly.

But… what if it did? Hmm…

That plunging neckline… the high slit up the legs. Daring, and oh so hawt.

hawtest shit this side of Milan

A contemporary look inspired by one of the greats from the past.

the "mike duncan"

The only way to describe this is… Fisherman Gaga.

look at the Alexander McQueen shoes. fucking look at 'em. they cost as much as his new office!

King of the jungle, king of the AMS. Only fitting we end with this…

pedobear approves. S&M horse and scat rat do not

and hell… let’s just throw in this video for fun. Go watch Bijan dance now. XOXO…

Oh, and the Ubyssey debuted a new article cleverly entitled The Scoop, a UBC Media roundtable. In which no conflicts of interest occurred, and we pretended to be legitimate and suffered through a lack of sparkles.

Five More Years with the Hottest DILF Around

The Sexy President and Vice-Chancellor Himself, Stephen J. Toope, got renewed for five more years (in addition to agreeing to sing a duet with Bijan at UBC’s Got Talent). That’s pretty simple, even a n00b can understand. “His second term as President will be driven by the University’s new strategic plan, Place and Promise, that was created under his stewardship.” What we still can’t understand, however, is what the fuck FROM HERE means.

UBC-O Gets Bigger, Still Not Hard Enough

UBC-O bought some land and doubled the size of their campus. What is to be done with this land, however, is “limited only by vision and imagination.” Oh, and they’re protecting some pond.

“UBC Life,” Death and Rebirth

“UBC Life”, a UBC-themed online message board, launched this week and then promptly disappeared when it became clear that the site’s owners had misrepresented themselves. Their fate was sealed by repeatedly attempting to convince people that the site was sponsored by UBC—kind of like how Serena’s dad tried to fake Lily’s cancer on Gossip Girl. Were they hoping UBC would back them once the site took off? Oh, foolish mortals.

Some tips for next time someone wants to impersonate UBC online: don’t register the domain name to the Vanier Front Desk, or use the UBC Crest. Definitely don’t send out a fake UBC Broadcast Email, making people paranoid about how you got so many email addresses (and definitely—definitely—don’t follow that up by mocking people who believed, if only briefly, that it was real). Finally, when the university goes out of its way to say they have nothing to do with you, don’t say you are “university-supported.” A few faculty members does not a university make.

Gorgeous sources at the OLT (that’s Office of Learning Technology—techies in the basement of IKB) say they’re looking into implementing BuddyPress on UBC Blogs with no timeline at the moment. The BuddyPress website says it’s great for building university social networks, so we’ll see if all our internet wet dreams come true. Otherwise, we’re just left with nightmares about bulletin boards. Because the idea of a UBC message board? kind of outdated—as evidenced by the fact that most of the posts on UBC Life came from within the already-formed BlogSquad/Rezlife scene. And, as opponents of the current power structure would be the first to say, the way to get more people involved with university life is /not/ to market it to the same old keeners.

But a social network for UBC students? Um, is there an appropriate way to typeset “moan of arousal”? (Even if all we’ll get is probably just another Vista.)

Girl Up the U-Pass, Already

Fuck, we wish. Seriously, why hasn’t it been pink—you thought brown was a better choice? We think it’s high time that Translink stop discriminating against “girl” colours and embrace the magenta. After all, what better way to overcome centuries [okay, like 1.5 of them] of social construction than by forcing all those neanderthals to proudly display their Big Pink Identity Cards? Man up and accept that magenta is awesome, or pay for your own damn bus pass. Considering all post-secondary students will now be getting a U-Pass—and that the gender gap at the university level has already tipped to a solid female majority—it’s time to paint Vancouver pink. Lisa Frank stickers optional.

Board of Governors Still Not As Awesome as Schwarzenegger

For all the super duper hacky hacks out there: Brad Bennett, the Chair of UBC’s Board of Governors, has stepped down. This means both a new board chair and a new board member…FRESH BLOOD!! Bill Levine is the new chair and Virginia Greene (in the kitchen with the lead pipe) will be the new member of the board. A UBC anthropology alumna, she’s done a bunch of cool stuff.

Without Further Ado, the Sauder Shit You’ve Been Waiting For:

Mascot Madness is finished, and coming in first place with a staggering 76 votes (beating “none of the above” by 23 votes) is our dear Japanese lioness, Okima. The most interesting thing to note is this little disclaimer under the results:

(Note: All designs will proceed for review by the CUS Board of Directors to determine the best representation of the undergraduate society.  As well, multiple production companies will be approached for concept drawings to help in this process. Final mascot may not be exactly as voted on.)

A little bird bee-comm told us that there’s no way Sauder is going to spend any more money on this shit. Oh, and they analyzed the results too. We’d personally love to see that Board of Directors meeting, in which they DEBATE A JAPANESE LION WITH A TIE WHO LOOKS LIKE PEDO BEAR. Don’t believe us? Allow us to introduce you to some copy & paste magic from here:

The new universal Unicorn U-Pass will cost $30/month, with students outside of Metro Vancouver paying less.

uh, yeah. we went there.

So, what does that mean for you sexy UBC folk? Yes, our ego may be a little crushed as our elitism is threatened and those plastic cards with horrific photos from first year pop up everywhere. However, great news: MORE SEXY REFERENDA.

VP External Jeremy McElroy broke exclusively to us (ok, it was a tweet to Taylor, but whatever) that come January 2011, there will be a referendum on accepting the U-Pass at the new price of $30/month. Or, $120/semester.

Currently you are paying $95/semester, or $23.75/month, so the price increase for a normal school year will be $50/year.

In comparison, currently those other kids are stuck with the FastTrax program offered from Translink which allows full-time students from non-private post-secondary institutions to travel across all zones for the price of a single zone adult monthly pass. Or, $81/month. Yikes.

SFU, Langara College, and Capilano University (our not-as-hot sisters in the U-Pass program) are also affected. Langara and Capilano currently pay more than $30/month so they get an immediate price cut. We assume SFU will also be holding a referendum to accept the new price. What do you think? Is paying ~$50 more per year worth it for students from Kwantlen, Emily Carr, etc to save $400 per year?

The overarching question to consider is whether we will be getting increased service to UBC, or if we are simply subsidizing increased service along routes to these other institutions.

As we’ve previously mentioned, in addition to the cost of the U-Pass going up, there are also whispers in a not-so-silent manner that AMS Council is going to hold a referendum or two on raising student fees and tying our student fees to CPI. Stay tuned, kids…we have a feeling there will be some sexy and dramatic debate next year about a whackload of fee increases.

For more information on the UBC U-Pass click here or here.

We can only imagine, as we head into this, the third part of our CUS Mascot breakdown [Ed. note: breakdown is suuuuper apt], that the mood in the CUS boardroom must be… oh, no, that’s in such poor taste.

More jokes that will hurt your feelings, after the jump.

Munni the Mongoose

Oh, puns. It’s a good thing you only refer to money in the title, and not anywhere else, because otherwiseohwait—

“Munni the Mongoose is constantly on the lookout for jewels and treasure,” and “the mongoose is considered by some to be a symbol of wealth.” Oh, and “its presence signifies prosperity, money making luck, windfall, wealth and abundance.” Plus “the mongoose also brings the possibility of a fatter salary for those seeking for a new career.” …that’s pretty much the entire writeup.

Worthless art school diploma rating: This is actually well drawn, with actual shading done on the nose and jacket—although we didn’t need a second drawing to show it completely nude. But thanks! As for the clothed one, again with the tie, and more disturbingly, again with the lack of pants. Also, the two random teeth. But it actually looks like a mascot, which is nice. $$$$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: There’s the name. And the suit. And the top hat. In short, he’s a monocle and mustache away from the Monopoly Guy, mongoose-ized. So, kind of like that crazy lady who does Sugar Bush Squirrel, except, your entire faculty. $$$$

Okima the Lion

Okima came “across the sea from a mysterious foreign land,” better known as “Japan.” He’s also “fascinated by the beauty of Canadian aboriginal culture, and excited to find out the various aboriginal monuments in UBC.” Our question: What do lions have to do with Japan and aboriginal culture? And, for that matter, what does business have to do with any of these?

Worthless art school diploma rating:

this took five minutes in paint, you hacks

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ONEMILLION$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: Okima seems like a decent, slightly humble dude, in spite of the tie and lack of pants. But what is that crap on his cheeks? new designer drug? the blood of innocents? oh god. $

Optix the Rabbit

1. The rabbit is named “Optix” after its exceptionally good vision. Rabbits are known for acute hearing, not vision (they are farsighted).
2. The artist mentions that rabbit’s feet are lucky, when removed from the rabbit. This is like selecting an elephant for a mascot because their tusks are worth a lot on the black market.
3. We get the impression that Optix is incredibly high. Or, at least, on his way to a tea party.
4. Why is Optix doing jumping jacks?

Worthless art school diploma rating: Firmly hovering at a solid grade-4 level, Optix is bad without being embarrassingly so. It seems like the sort of art that anyone could recreate, given enough time, if they have absolutely no talent. The idea of an excited rabbit is conveyed, despite its lack of natural stance or convincing features. The creator obviously never wasted any time thinking about the way fingers are supposed to look–they were too busy being motivated to “thrive and succeed.” $$$$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation scale: Other than the obvious suit, there isn’t a thing that reinforces Sauder stereotypes. Unless, of course, the rabbit is indeed high. $

$asa the Flower

“This is the mascot inspired by flowers.” NO IT ISN’T. It’s inspired by money. No sane person would look at this monstrosity, with the crowns on top and the face replaced by dollar signs, and think “Ah, yes, flowers.”

“The concept is to tell us the story about how UBC Business School of Sauder provides the land, the sunshine, the water and the oxygen for the flowers to grow up.” In summary, the UBC Business School of Sauder (which isn’t actually its name), provides everything to make a tiny peon into a tower of money! Or flowers. Or something. “The logo of “$” does not only represent money, but also Sauder School.” So to summarize, Sauder=money. Glad we cleared that up.

“The mascot with the crown shows how our students can succeed in UBC and in the society.” Because without being a monarch, one cannot succeed in society? Erm, without being a monarch, one cannot succeed in society! yes, that’s better. “Additionally, the blue bottom part is the land for the mascot. It can be different shapes to fit different usages such as posters and logos. We can also write words in this area.” So, the mascot is stuck on a piece of land? It’s unable to move? It has a flower friend? We’re deeply disturbed by this entire thing. But major bonus points for actually considering the way this image could be incorporated into some giant viral marketing horror scheme, you clever little overachiever, you.

Worthless art school diploma rating: This person has clearly advanced from Microsoft Paint to Corel Draw. Kudos. We’re more than a little confused by the buck teeth, not to mention THE FLOWER WITH A SMILEY FACE REPLACED BY A DOLLAR SIGN AND A CROWN ON ITS HEAD. However, we commend this drawing for challenging the convention that plants are static by having the thought bubble of “Hello! I can move!” Groundbreaking! $$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: Well, aside from believing that human identity is nothing more than a dollar figure, that nature is only viewed monetarily, and that Sauder students are the anointed kings, none at all. $$$$$

TJ the Piggy Banker

While the concept is nicely apropos, this “Piggy Banker” is half Tarantino/Bond movie offal, half Little People Farmyard Fun playset. TJ (the name is never explained) is a total rebel, ready to “crash any conference” with his Risky Business-style sunglasses, dress shirt and tie—pants apparently not required. (Ooh, we love a bad boy.) He also carries a giant hammer strapped to his back, “like all Sauderites.” Um, we’re pretty sure that way lies assault charges. The “irresistible pallet [sic] of Sauder spirit” and “the charming taste of UBC Commerce” are leaving a bad taste in our mouths.

Worthless art school diploma rating: A dark blue pig carrying a dark grey hammer on a flat black background—epic fail or cunning strategy? After all, if you can’t see that it’s been drawn in your grade 6 computers class, you might be more likely to vote for it. Thumbs down for the least realistic depiction of a money known to man—that thing looks wayyyy more like a tube sock than a dolla dolla bill. – $

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: So you say that TJ “rolls in the high life” with all the money he’s made with his totally ballin’ Sauder degree? Woahhhh, über-stereotype: materialistic, Zima-drinking douchenozzle, yammering your ear off about his sweet stock portfolio? Total accuracy! Five stars! $$$$$

Wally the Bull

It’s a bull with a frontally dislocated jaw! he’s addicted to dental surgery! it’s like the farmyard version of that woman who’s had so much plastic surgery, she looks like a cat.

i google'd "too much plastic surgery looks like a cat" and this was the first result. her name is jocelyn wildenstein.

His vaguely-hip lingo totally reminds us of business leaders as seen on TV sitcoms, and the fact that he’s giving us his entire resume in the first paragraph is totes believable. Did you know, by the way, that Wally “logisticized” the “mean streets of Sauder” himself? And all while wearing knockoff sunglasses! Wally truly is the “perfect marketing image”—shallow, patronizing, and completely unsuccessful at selling anyone on the concept he’s trying to represent.

Worthless art school diploma rating: Chicago Bulls logo + MS Paint + terrifying teeth = nowhere near as bad as some of the other stuff available. We find it a little awkward, if accurate, that Wally has no hands—just hooves (however will he operate his Blackberry??). But are those pants just awkwardly pleated, or are those zip-off ‘convertibles’? Oh, please please please say they turn into shorts. $$$

Post-ironic negative stereotype reclamation: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” $$$$

Questions Unanswered by This Description: What the hell is OB?

That concludes our three-art series on the CUS’ Mascot Fail. We invite you to tell us which mascot you liked best in the comments—the one with the most votes wins ABSOLUTELY NOTHING yayyyy

that is to say, KAI & TAYLOR of Confidential, TREVOR (Features) and JUSTIN (Coordinating) of the Ubyssey, and NEAL of Insiders—

laid out the CUS’s nefarious plan to make their faculty seem cute and cuddly by designing a new mascot. Naturally, we had some things to say about the submitted designs: namely, that they’re all unrepentant, derivative hogwash. SERIOUSLY YOU TRACED A DISNEY LLAMA WTF

After the jump, we’ll be taking on six more submissions—three of which are men in  suits! Way to buck the trend, guys.

Arden the Eagle

Actual quotes from Arden’s ‘bio’ describe him/her/it as:

“the most powerful bird that has ever graced the limitless sky.”
“preys fall quickly in the hands of this almighty creature.”
“eagle’s strength and charisma is admired by all.”

Soooo that makes this the official “we’re loud and proud narcissistic pricks who will one day OWN you” mascot. Unlike all the others, we suppose. But at least our glorious Commerce overlords will have, uh, grace. And charisma! That’s gonna make earning 1% of what your company’s CEO does so much more bearable in future.

Worthless art school diploma rating: It looks like an eagle, we guess. Bonus points for including a “mascot version” complete with a diagram of where the tail would be. Just in case the designers would be confused. What, is this the same teenage girl that did that gawdawful phoenix?? OH, WE’RE SO ON TO YOU, Miss Noble Anthropomorphized Avian Creatures 2010. $$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: Again with the ties. And while the eagle itself isn’t inherently funny, the description that went with it is. Some more excerpts:

“With respect to Sauder students, each of us are potential leaders in the future.”
“Like an eagle we can make precise decisions that can benefit the company or our careers.”

Um, yeah. You do that. $$$$

Jawbs the Shark

Jawbs, the only graduate (or part-time) student mascot, is true to life—he definitely looks like one of the sad, slightly doughy, defeated-looking graduate students you see trudging to Sauder, contemplating where it all went wrong and how they ended up devoting ten plus years of their life to number-crunching. Apparently Jawbs “can open doors that didn’t even exist before,” because he’s all mature and shit. Unfortunately, Jawbs can’t open doors that do exist. Note the hands—or lack thereof. Also, Jawbs’ version of “letting loose” is putting a T-shirt over a dress shirt and hanging out with undergrads. Rebel!

Worthless art school diploma rating: You know what’s great? Microsoft Paint. Its “fill” tool is great. Sadly, it doesn’t have “draw legs to scale” or “draw nose to scale” or “remove creepy eyelids” as tools. Otherwise, this drawing would also be great. Also, the ever-present tie. $

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: Sharks are the sort of animal one would associate with Sauderites. Otherwise, another one that screams “weird” and “deformed” above all else. $

Kenny the Commerce Cashflow

It’s a pile of money. With a smiley face. And soul-sucking eyes. “To many people he’s just a stack of cash, but to Commerce students he’s what business is ALL ABOUT!” The lack of self-awareness is wonderful. A true capitalist mascot would be made of thousand-dollar bills, or possibly hundreds. But twenties? Not a sign you’re getting ahead in the world. Realistic expectations in a down-turning economy, perhaps? The arm up is a sure sign that Kenny represents the new CUS fee, their own money waving goodbye. Also, we would’ve gone with “Johnny Cash” as his name, but that’s just us.

Worthless art school diploma rating: Knobby knees, scrawny arms, a weird high-heel/hoof combination for shoes—it’s obvious Kenny’s expenditures go to something other than fashion. The money clip is a clever insinuation of prestige, and adds a dash of colour. Also, props for making the bill bilingual. $$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: What is Commerce about? Money. Only money. That’s it. That’s all there is to life, really. Glad we cleared that up, and got all that awkwardness out of the way. $$$$$

Mr. Com-Earth

Mr. Com-Earth: he’s a whole new world of buzzwords!
Look, we understand that you’re trying to promote a global, international kinda image here. Kudos on the sustainability shoutout; loving that you’ve made corporate responsibility a selling point. But really, you think you’re fooling anyone with that GOLDEN KEY in his front pocket? Oh yeah, I bet that’s just generic symbology. No keener societies here, no sirree.

this appears to be their leader

Global buzzword time aside, this is just the same old shit, different package. Maybe in a couple years you guys can design an innovative second mascot for Sauder: Mrs. Com-Earth! She does the same things as Mr. Com-Earth, but her suit has a skirt, and there’s a big red bow stuck somewhere in the middle of Europe. Oh, and she gets paid two-thirds of what Mr. Com-Earth does oh shit feminism

Worthless art school diploma rating: There was a time when we might have bought that a Commerce kid drew this. But it seems much more likely that someone else was paid to do this. Look at that professional-style shading—the line width variation—the way the hands look like real person hands! Pac-Man eyes aside, way to go, Artwork Commissioner. Man, those Emily Carr kids are really hurting for money, huh? $$$$$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: Business suit, honour society, ugly gold accessories. BUT WAIT he’s got a globe for a head. Overall a weak submission and a mediocre idea which neither confirms nor denies our suspicions of Sauder—which means it may just be the best thing in this competition. $$$

Mr. Gorilla

Guy #1: “So, we’ve drawn this awesome gorilla. Let’s send it in for the contest!”
Guy #2: “Dude, wait. We totally need a name for him.”
Guy #1: “Aw shit. I dunno, how about Jerry?”
Guy #2: “Nah, man, that’s lame.”
Guy #1: “Well, fuck it, you come up with an idea then!”
Guy #2: “This is bullshit, coming up with names. How about Mr. Gorilla?”
Guy #1: “Nice.”

Worthless art school diploma rating:

Guy #1: “Come on, we should actually draw in the colours.”
Guy #2; “Who the fuck am I, Picasso?”
Guy #1: “…Who the fuck is Picassa? Look, are we just gonna put it in with an incredibly detailed head and then nothing else?”
Guy #2: “Fine! You want colour?”
(Guy #2 angrily scribbles some blue, green and yellow onto the gorilla)
Guy #2: “There. We coloured it. Happy?”
Guy #1: “What about the shoes? Are those sneakers, or loafers, or-”
Guy #2: “SHUT UP” $$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: It points to the smug belief of Sauderites that they’re “the most intelligent mammal”, without being too obvious about it. Which, given most of the other submissions, is refreshing. Commerce kids aren’t the type for odd, self-deprecating signs though. $$

FUN TRIVIA: It’s “coarse,” you mouth-breathers, not “corse.” “Pursues,” not “persues.” God, don’t any of you future world leaders have spell-check? RAAAAGE

Mr. Trump the Sauder Suit

It’s The Donald, in playing card form. He’s going to “trump” competitors, be it in the business world or in high-stakes coke-fuelled backroom poker games. Keeping the pun train groaning into its station, “suit” has a double meaning here–it can be used to indicate that he is a spade-type playing card, or that he is currently wearing the garment/class indicator referred to as a “suit.” He knows how to “cut” through the cow-turd and “call a spade a spade.” Also, of all the cards in poker, the ace of spades is the best. As near as we can tell, the logic goes something like, “Mr. Trump will make a good mascot because none of these jokes are difficult to understand, and most of us went into Commerce because we like to think of ourselves as the future Donald Trumps of the world.” We’re so thrilled for you all.

FUN TRIVIA: Our practice of spelling out what is already painfully obvious about this mascot is pretty much exactly what the artist sent in for their discription, minus the cracks about drug abuse. We’d like to think that an Emily Carr student sent Mr. Trump in as a prank, but if that’s the case then we’d also like to think the same applies to the rest of these mascots. And frankly, we don’t think Emily Carr students care that much.

Worthless art school diploma rating: This mascot looks like it was created by some one who used to spend time with colouring books when they were young. That’s right, they were playing with crayons when they could have been concocting schemes to swindle their friends out of valuable trading cards. The fact that they left out Trump’s hideous bird-nest haircut is the mascot’s one saving grace, although it indicates they are unable to create shapes that are not squares, triangles, or spades. The fact that this artwork is signed, quite frankly, astounds us. What, you were afraid someone was going to steal it? $$

Post-ironic stereotype reclamation: It’s Donald Trump, but in poker form. So, basically, it’s their god. $$$$$

Come back tomorrow for the third and final part of our Mascot Madness feature, which we will definitely not be calling “Revenge of the Sith.” We promise.