A Procrastination Post! Your April News for N00bs

26Apr10

Confidential is back, Koerner’s isn’t, and surprise, surprise the AUS is a shit show once again.

Brian vs Ryan vs Student “Court” vs Naylor vs OMG Enough Already

So the AUS is a goddamn nightmare. It all started with this document that makes no fucking sense and hurts our cute little headband decorated brains. As a fellow sexy blogger once said, “most of it is irrelevant shit amounting to intellectual masturbation.”

So, n00bs: Naylor was the AUS Elections Administrator and isn’t a fan of Student “Court” as referenced by “the rising scourge of kritarchy.” Student “Court” dislikes Naylor because…we’re not quite sure. Let the battles commence.

In the AUS Presidential election, Brian beat Ryan by one vote. Ryan filed an appeal to the SC over a single ballot that he thinks was ambiguous and should therefore be spoiled, meaning it wasn’t a tie, meaning Naylor’s tiebreaking vote wouldn’t count, and meaning that Ryan would be EL PRESIDENTE.

However, SC went all power thirsty like the Volturi and began to “investigate” the situation. They ramble about the background of the election, how paper ballots got fucked up, how the results apparently caught on fire, and concluded that in the end there was STILL A GODDAMN TIE (seriously, we’re not making this up).

However, what is really alarming (think black iris thirsty alarming) is how they then deem the election VOID AND OF NO EFFECT. SC was simply asked by Ryan to “rule” on the validity of a certain ballot. Instead, SC found that the way the AUS elections were run was in violation of AMS code because they lacked appeals procedures (yes, we actually looked up the code). They also made this ruling without looking at the AUS 2010 General Election Regulations which includes the appeals procedures.

Whatever, its now all a moot point because Brian resigned in a professional letter to AUS Council in which he signs it “peace out, dawgs.” Be still, our gangsta meme hearts.

More sparkles and #procrastireading after the jump!

We Can Has Koerner’s Back?

So the taps went dry and UBC cut Koerner’s off before the fuzz did. There were some vigils, some flash bzzr gardens, and a $5 Family Restaurant Special. Then, finally, there was a GSS meeting! Unfortunately it went in camera and no one knows what happened and won’t tell us anything. While we’d do anything for you dear readers, sexual favours are so 1998.

What we do know? Koerner’s is now officially closed until Tuesday.

When the liquor comes back and what changes they would have made to accommodate this disaster are unknown thanks to some shady secret stuff.  A regurgitation of Issues That Matter: The RCMP won’t make the Koerner’s incident reports (reminder: underage drunk girl fell from roof, drunk guy in bar was acting drunk) available to anyone, not even the Liquor Inspector. The GSS filed Freedom of Information requests, but the Ubyssey told us this is a messy system.

Until then, dear readers, entertain your little Koerner’s hearts with this. <3

Hospice to Invade the Magical Kingdom of Pixie Dust

Last summer, Issues That Matter discovered a sneaky sneaky plan by Campus and Community Planning to build a hospice behind the Marine Drive Residence. A hospice, you ask? What is this, some complicated term for a new medical building? No. It is a place where people go to die. With beautiful ocean views, why wouldn’t Marine be the perfect place? Well, it is a univeristy residence after all.

Snaps to Issues + Bijan for getting it moved from Marine due to the whole “campus life is probably somewhat more boisterous than that typically associated with the tranquil environment of a hospice” aspect.

The new prospective location for the hospice is behind Thunderbird Stadium. Before all you emo kids get your wristbands in a knot, no, the dying people will not get free access to Warped Tour. Since the turf field now has Board 1,2,&3 approval (which means it’s definitely happening), Thunderbird Stadium won’t be able to handle awesome concerts that were going to happen (such as Lilith Fair, which is now in Pitt Meadows) or epic county fairs.

While the Thunderbird situation sucks serious balls, UBC isn’t exactly known for its boisterous turn out to athletic events. We’re quite happy that people will be able to die in peace with the unicorns bringing a smile to their face. That, UBC, is something to be proud of.

ZOMG WE HAS A DEFICIT

Omgz the AMS is going broke. ECON exam is over, so pay attention:

Our student fees are the same every year. Inflation means that what you can buy with $1 increases about 2% a year. Understand now why vending machine candy bars are $1.25 and back when we were kids they were only $1? Anyway, the AMS is paying more per year than they are receiving because our fees remain the same and a slice of pizza is still $2.75

The lifetime of the AMS without any cuts is 1.87years. Going down to the bare bones gives us 3.9 year lifetime. FREAKOUT TIME! YOU MEAN MY BABY SISTER WON’T GET TO MAKE OUT WITH AMS HACKS TOO?!?!

Have no fear! Council’s solution to this was to merge the Safewalk and Safety Office into one super safety program after the motion to cut Safewalk failed (with Naylorites and Bijan voting for it). There is obviously a greater problem at hand than just whether or not Safewalk should exist. We’re expecting some sexy referendum regarding student fees next year and to probably pay an extra quarter for our pizza.

“You’d be surprised how many guys we service” -Guest at AMS Council

B-Sul Gets Re-Appointed, the Bow Tie Lives On

If you haven’t already checked out the Admin Blog, you should. The VPs of UBC are wanting to hear from you via comments, and we think it’s a rad idea. Challenge them, discuss, and suggest topics for them to write on.

As he said in his post (and seen in those boring emails from UBC that end up in your inbox), VP of Students Brian Sullivan, aka @bowtiebrian, was re-appointed for another sexy two years. This is just news and nothing scandalous comes of it, so we’re going all US Weekly on you!

gerald deo photo of b-sul


Dear Councillors: Sucks to be you…(I know, I know)

SUB Renew! Architects! Pretty new buildings that would make Mayor Gregor swoon! You picked three architects that the HAWT HON broke down quite nicely for you here. The Architect Committee of Artastic Fun is going to narrow it down to one over the summer, and then we get to move into the design phase!

BUT FIRST!

Council needs to approve the SUB negotiations that Hawt Hon and Smiley Miley (the VP Admins of last year and this year, n00bs) worked with the UBC Administration on by April 30. Considering there’s a council meeting on Wednesday night, that seems so perfect! Except its not. The meeting is now on Friday, April 30 at 1pm in SUB Council Chambers (free food, hot bitches, plz come)….meaning that if there are any issues or anyone finds anything of extraordinance in the massive document, well…there’s not much they can do about it.

We hope that councillors are somehow able  to even attend due to the last minute change (moving the next day? shiiiittt, son), let alone read the ginormous document over exams.

This sparkly editor views the entire situation as ramming the negotiations down the throats of council and giving them no choice but to swallow.



One Response to “A Procrastination Post! Your April News for N00bs”

  1. 1 Istarbel

    OMG!! Such a great thing to read and procrastinate seeing as i should be studying for my exam tonight. I am also very happy to see you got the unicorn game. See you all friday.


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